No Serious Dating in 2010

I'm back dear void, stronger and lonelier than ever. It not only seems that I'm confused and depressed most of the time for anyone that may stumble across this blog, but I feel like that's been my reality for the past few years. Loneliness has always simmered below the surface of my existence..and it has always threatened to overflow. And no matter what my circumstances/relationships had been, I had always been lonely because I haven't learned to be secure by myself.

I broke up with tommy about 2 weeks ago. I told him I don't want to be with him and was feeling fine, even great, for a while. But about 2-3 days ago the loneliness once again hit me. I cried, I messaged him, I suffered and moaned and groaned and complained. Well, it feels like he has moved on and I haven't and I guess that's what is bothering me. Anyway, I'm going to continue to depend on Christ in my journey, and really just trust him for strength to fight through this loneliness once and for all. I think the best way to tackle this is in steps. Rather than dating straight away to get rid of this loneliness, which is desperately what I want to do right now, I will work to make myself feel content all by myself rather than counting on someone else to make me feel that way. I don't know what the 12 step program for overcoming loneliness is, but I'm gonna start a step anyway and name it the first:

1. Befriending guys

I realize that I have no male friends that I am close to, and that I really need to make more of an effort to befriend guys. I always approach guys with the subconscious thought that either they are a potential romantic partner, or that they like me and I don't want to become romantically involved with them. Instead of approaching from this angle, I really want to just be friends with guys and learn about how they think. I don't want to be intimidated by guys or anyone. I know my worth in God's eyes, and I know the Creator of all things loves me and deems me valuable so why should I be afraid of others opinions? Now if only I can truly put that to practice. Today my prayer is that God help me to open my heart and my soul to others so that they can truly see God's love in me. I want to make a guy friend each month until the end of this year, and stay friends with them. This month that friend can be Chris. I will invite him again to church and continue to shine for Jesus. My prayer is that you help me achieve this Jesus.

Wish me luck my faithful void!

The Next Step?

Just started revision in earnest, putting up motivational quotes and really gearing myself up for the long haul. I know that the end of this will bring good results if I keep at it and work really hard. God has helped me so much these past few weeks, and indeed, my whole life. I've been getting to know him more through bible study and fellowship. I now understand why it's important to separate myself from this world as much as possible and try to be with people that love God the way I do. I just feel more understood and safe in their presence than I do with my friends. I didn't know for sure if I could depend on my friends during hard times..and I can see now that I can't. Haven't seen most of them for ages, and the last time I saw fetus she was moaning about getting home to her bed. It's not the same as before, and I'm sure I'm expecting too much from friends. Friends, family, people in general, you can't trust them!!! The people you can trust the most are family, but even they relapse sometimes. In the end, if you desperately need and wait on them for love, sympathy, support you might not get it...which always end in bitter disappointment. God always gives you those things without exception and without conditions. So the best option is to rely on God for those things, and appreciate it when you get it from people. Love in humans is a reflection of God's love, so why not depend on the original source for the most impact? I love Him, and I know He loves me beyond my imagination. Truly, no one can ever love me like he could. So i'm not sad, i'm not unhappy in these lonely times. I wish I had my friends to share a few laughs and good times and it would certainly be nice. But I know God has my best interest at heart, and if he thinks this is what the situation should be, then I know that it's the best way. If I had them around I would've certainly gotten distracted and deviated from my walk with Christ.

Yesterday as I was walking back from uni it dawned on me how much he really has done, and how he's truly answered all my prayers. 3 years ago i prayed for a boyfriend and someone to love, and I found tommy. His love wasn't perfect, but my time with him taught me so much without truly damaging me. I asked for some companionship and I found the bible study. I asked for my project to succeed and I got the results I wanted. It's so nice to know that my Father loves me and he's taking care of me. How can I be depressed while knowing that fact? He wants me to leave UK and go to the states. I know that my life here is a distraction from God. I would party and fall back to my old ways if I stay here any longer. So I need to go and find myself a job in the States. So here's to the next adventure!!

Tis loneliness that makes the loudest noise

Feeling really low today. Been feeling this way for the past 2 days. I've been feeling that I shouldn't slow down or it'll all collapse, but I did anyway. I slowed down and now I'm feeling everything i've tried to suppress. I'm really sad and lonely...truly lonely. I have God but I don't have any friends that I can truly depend on. I miss those times we had the past 2 years..all the fun and laughter. I flat this year is like a grave, with stern faces and stand-offish attitudes and absent personalities.

Everything's going badly. I drank, i misbehaved, i repeated the whole palaver. Feel tremendously depressed and guilty right now, and yes, lonely as well. I guess I'm lonely now because sin separates me from God, and I don't have his companionship anymore. I was fine last week when the circumstances were the same. Sin and disobedience is not worth the price if this is how i feel the next day.

My head is so convoluted right now, a million thoughts going through it that I struggle to put a coherent sentence together. I'm realizing a few things now, that I have to get up and keep going when I fall, and that I will definitely fall again, the only way to avoid falling so much is to completely rely on God and listen to what he says. I feel like too much of a failure to even put a decent finish to this blog so I'm going to go get ready for work. Wish me luck, dear void.

Outlook and Progress

So I thought I'd catch up on the past few months on my blog since a few important things have happened since I last updated. I went to vancouver for the christmas holidays and, suprisingly/unexpectedly, had a fabulous time. I'm slowly starting to realize that it's possible to be happy anywhere, and that it's the happiness you carry within yourself that ultimately determines whether or not you're content in a certain situation. Also realized that it's God that gives you that inner joy to overcome your circumstances.

I've also misbehaved quite badly, and I'm ashamed to say that it could've easily been prevented. A few days ago we went out with some guys and I dressed in an immodest way and embarrassed myself thoroughly by getting drunk and acting silly. Since then I've made a serious resolution to stop drinking altogether. It's no use attempting to limit alcohol intake because drinking a little only makes you tired, and so drink more to get to the state of numbness where I can party all night. I also want to dress nicely, but modestly. In the future I won't wear anything too revealing or short.

What else? Oh yeah, my final year project. I'm working with this postgrad student who's trying to synthesize a gene to encode pseudin. To be honest i'm a little confused as to what the aim of the whole thing is really. All I know is that I loved being in the research lab and doing things...it was so different from the teaching labs. Nothing was pre-testing so we're doing original research, which explains why the cells are not growing and everything's messing up, but I can really see myself doing this everyday. Discovering new things, having the freedom to work your own hours, and doing something that has potential important uses would be just amazing. And the thing is, even though I have the freedom to stay and go as I please, I end up staying the whole day in the lab without realizing it. It's great! Only thing I wish is that Sam would stop treating me like a baby and let me do my thing. I hate being watched in every single thing I do and being given minimal responsibility, it's so patronizing. Ah well, there will soon come a day where I can do my own thing and then i'll complain that I have too much responsibility.

All in all, the past 2 months have gone by really quickly. I miss my parents, and I miss my friends still, but not with the aching emptiness I did before. I will be okay, and I'm very motivated to finish my degree with flying colours. Relationship with God is progressing okay, but I yearn to know him better and to study the bible more. I'm still reading a chapter-a-day but I doubt I'm doing more than scratching at the surface. I look forward to the day that I'll be able to attend a proper bible study and get involved in church. For now, I don't think I even deserve God's mercy. I haven't been a good example of a christian, and I have succumbed to temptation too easily. One thing I want to do is control that habit of mine..giving in easily. I pray for self-control this month and also for my project to actually work!! Let's see how the next month goes :)

The Meaning of Life

Without realizing, I didn't answer my own question in my last post. I was asking myself what is the meaning of life, and I ended up answering the question "how should life be lived?" No matter. There is always time to answer more questions when you're in the middle of avoiding upcoming deadlines, so here goes: From what i understand so far, the meaning/purpose of life is to grow and evolve from what you're originally given into something that would advance the human race as a whole. So for example, if I started with low self-esteem and confidence and I evolved to become a social butterfly, then what I leave the world with is the knowledge that it is possible to develop yourself in that aspect even though you weren't naturally gifted. Other people watching me would realize that it is possible, and try it themselves, ideally using the same methods I have used. More people would then watch those people, and the number of people that end up improving in that aspect of their lives would increase exponentially. When the day of Jesus comes, these people, my future sons/daughters of that generation, would be "Evolved" partly because of me. And the fact that I contributed gives meaning to my life. So my live's purpose is solely to evolve! Fancy that, Darwin was right all along, but not in the way he expected I guess.

I just read on a website that the meaning of life was a conscious decision to make your reality whatever you want it to be. I think that's very true. If I'm determined to be happy, nothing could stand in my way. So here's a bottom's up to being happy! Everything I do I want to do it to glorify God, and I hope that what I accomplished this year sang his praises.

The Ideal Life

So I've been engaging in a lot of nostalgia in the past few weeks, and it inevitably led me to that fundamental question...what is the meaning of life? Everything in my life had changed from year to year, or within a span of few years. There were good times and there were even better times, and the worst of times seemed to last twice as long. Ultimately though, what is the purpose of all this? I study, I try to work hard, engage in activities instead of wasting away in my room, try to improve myself in confidence and grace....to what purpose?

Well, as I was trying to avoid finishing practical 1 of my medical biochemistry reports, I realized that the answer can be found in the life of Jesus. He was undoubtedly, the single most influential person that ever lived and died. His life, albeit being half of today's normal life span, embodied everything that was good and worthy. He was pure, he was dynamic, he was beautiful. And that's how I want my life to be. That is what I strive for. Whatever he did, and the principles hedisplayed in his life....that was how life was meant to be lived. God created the earth and man, he gave us a user's manual (the bible), and because we're so incredibly dense, he also sent us a living example to drive the point home. How can we not get it yet? Jesus lived the ultimate life, and he is supposed to be our ultimate example of how we should live ideally: by serving, by loving, by shining, by sharing, by humbling ourselves, and many many more.

The end of my Tantrums

I did something totally out of character today. I started to feel a little depressed and lonely and I just put on my coat and went out the door and to the library. Last year the same feeling would've resulted in endless wallowing until tommy came home to rescue me from my misery, at which point I would project my restlessness onto him and hound him to go out to eat or something. But today I quietly went to the library and actually got some work done. Tommy picked me up in the end, but I patiently waited till he came for me instead of throwing a fit.

Although things are very different this year and all my friends are gone, I feel that this is good for me. The loneliness I felt in the beginning is something that everyone will feel at some point. I need to accept that I'm no exception, and that feeling lonely doesn't make me a loser. I don't need to live it up to be someone else's ideal of having a good time. My ideal good time is now being with family, playing with my nephews, having a good meal and conversation with close friends. I still want to party from time to time, but I feel that partying every weekend never did anyone any good anyway. I'm just really proud that I'm learning to deal with emotional situations like this in a more mature way. I'm starting to be self-reliant for my own amusement, instead of on others. The past two years I've behaved terribly. I've been selfish and thrown many tantrums to get my way...i've isolated my friends and treated them badly, and I've even backstabbed a few friends. I'm lucky to still have those friends, and I vow to never take friendships lightly...they are very important to you.

Even though I don't that many friends near me at the moment, I will use whatever free time I have this year to improve myself and become a better person. I will read the bible, become a better Christian and live God's way. I will also be more outgoing in front of strangers, and be more productive. I won't moan and groan about my current predicament and wait eagerly for it to end...those days are gone! I am so lucky that God has chosen to bless me with everything I have: family, friends, a real chance at making something of myself, a course that I enjoy, and a future. Please God, help me to achieve my goals, and to never throw tantrums like I did last year.