Positivity

I lost my temper again last night. I think I have some serious anger issues, probably genetic. My dad hurt my mom physically and she hurt him back emotionally. And I think I've got more of the emotional abuse than the physical. I love T, i really do. It's just that he irritates me so badly sometimes. Why is that?

If one of my friends did the same thing he was doing i would just let it go immediately. But with him I expect so much more. So much that even he can't keep up with them. 'The problem is not with him, but with me. I need drama in my life. If there isn't any I create it. But I need to cut back on all that right away. I hurt him so much that eventually he's going to be too hurt to recover. I dont want to keep hurting him and breaking his sprit little by little.

And it all starts with the negative thinking. Like right now Im thinking that T's parents hate me...And i'm eventually going to manifest that into reality cuz Im thinking too much. I just have to let it go and not dwell on thoughts like that. I need to build up my confidence through positivity.

Thank you

God always gives me what I pray for, eventually. Last week I was feeling so low I began to understand why some people consider suicide. This week I feel happy and content in my situation. True, many things in my life are not normal. I don't have such a close relationship with my brothers that they call me everyday, I've even fallen out with one of my brothers so badly that I barely speak to him. There are many odd things about my life once I look closely. But the important thing I realized is that there is no such thing as "normal". There's only "is", as in "this is it". This is MY life. Nobody else has the exact same life as I do, and nobody else will get to experience the same thrills, joys, tears and delights as I do. Nor will i get to experience someone elses. But essentially, we go through similar experiences and that's what makes us relate to each other.

I just want to thank God for everything he helps me with. I want to thank him for life. He gives meaning to what I do, because there are times when I have wondered what's the point in everything I do. But now I can only take delight in it because I know im headed somewhere that God wants me to be headed in. That direction can only be good because he knows exactly where I need to be. So I trust him, I will wait on him, I will devote my life to him, hand everything over, and wait for him to do what he will with me. I pray that he turns me into his image to do whatever he will with me. Thank you God, for everything.

Maturity

I just realized that I've grown so much. Maybe I've only grown a little bit but it seems like a lot since they're significant areas in which i've developed, or maybe i'm underestimating my growth. In retrospect, last year I was too self-conscious to even take the skytrain by myself. This year I was totally fine. last year i wouldn't wash up the dishes, was content to stay at home all day, was much less assertive and self conscious, and was far too thin-skinned. I think i've matured a bit. I still have to work on sensitivity issues...im still way too sensitive to withstand a few jibes and jokes on my behalf. I need to learn to laugh at myself. And like i said, this year is all about confidence. And I think i've improved my confidence quite a bit. Thank you God, for every improvement you've made in me. I'll continue to love you and pray to you for further maturity and strength.

Positive Outlook

I've been in Canada for a month now. It's really hot weather here in Vancouver, like always in the summer. I'm feeling really icky and sweaty and a bit cranky as well. I got into an argument with tommy today..a tiny one. At this point in our relationship, he and I can both see it coming as soon as we talk to each other. Maybe i sort of start an argument on purpose. Everything boils down to my insecurities...actually, insecurities in both of us. He got really mad when I said stuff about cute asian boys, and I get mad when he talks about blondes. That's because deep inside i feel like he prefers blondes. Why do I think that?

If he really wanted one, then why didnt he try to find a blonde?? He knew exactly what I looked like when he started dating me...and he liked what he saw. He really liked it. It's just my insecurities about myself that have pushed him away. I don't know why i think he settled for me because he couldn't get what he wanted. Blondes are no more hard to get than any other type of girl...he could've gotten one. She might not have been the movie-star type of girl, but he can get a decent girl i'm sure. He didn't because he loved my personality. I have to realize that it's not about a type of look, it;s about the whole package. He loves my whole package; he loves ME. He says i'm beautiful, sexy, smart all the time. I know he means those things.

I vowed to myself that I will concentrate on improving my confidence for the rest of 2008. I always have to think positively, and no matter what happens I have to get back on track. To make it easier, I will cut down on my tv time and magazines where I will not see ideals that I can't reach. I'm not alone in this, and I will seek help from others to become more confident.


1. What do i want to change about my body? I want to have fatter legs that will look better in heels, I want lighter skin, flatter stomach, unhairy armpits, unprickly skin on legs,

2. What do I like about my looks already? I like that im not fat, I have a pretty face, I have nice nails, nice/ manageable hair, nice eyes, good boobs and nice butt

3. What do i like about myself? I'm smart and I know how to do things,I have a great personality that I will show to my friends, I'm funny, I care about people taht I love, I'm willing to learn, ambitious, passionate, adventurous, accepting, forgiving, loving, interesting

Sex..or lack of

Tommy and I have improved a lot in the past few weeks. This is mainly because I became more patient and he became more lenient. We didn’t have any power struggles and I felt happy/ confident in our relationship. I know he loves me to death, and I can’t imagine life without him, but the sex is really getting to me and we had a bad argument last night. He initiated sex but it was as bland as dry bread. I wasn’t getting turned on for some reason. He just does this thing where he kisses me like there are a million other things he’d rather do but he’ll take some time off to roll his tongue in my mouth like a Japanese puffer fish. And then he just sorts of lies there doing nothing until I take it a step further. I guess what I really want is for sex to be more passionate and needy. Like he wants to have sex and not like it’s some big chore. I mean, it’s not like we never had hot sex and he’s incapable of giving me a good time. We had plenty of great nights. But the simple truth is, I want sex more times than he does, so I feel like the weaker one of the pair. And then i get resentful because I don’t want to feel weaker, and then appear distant which makes him think i don’t enjoy sex. I just think we need to have a good talk and clear the air. So here’s my little sex letter to tommy:

Baby,I’m sorry about last night. It was totally the wrong way to talk about what was on my mind beause you were tired and we were in the middle of sex. I know i always do a terrible job of communicating with you, but I just wanted to tell you a few things to make sex better for both of us without offending you. So here goes: I’d like it to be more spontaneous and passionate when we have sex. I always feel closer to you after having sex, and even though we fall asleep straight after, i always feel happy and content about us. By passionate i mean that now and then it would be nice if you just saw me and wanted to have sex with me without waiting till we get to bed and finish watching movies or something. It’s really hot if you came in the room, threw me on the bed and had your way with me :D. I know it sounds really stupid to say it, that’s why i didn’t want to before. Also, i remember you saying you took your ex lingerie shopping and you had so much fun (you told me a long time ago when we were talking on msn). Sometimes i wonder why you don’t even show me what you think would be sexy, and i can only come to the conclusion that you don’t think about me like that. It might not be true, but I feel about as sexy to you as an old dish towel. I know work takes up a lot of your time and that’s why you don’t have time to think about these kinds of things, but baby, im 20 and you’re 24, we’ll never be this young again and i just want to enjoy our time. You have the rest of your life to work because from now on until you retire in about 40/50 years, you will be working. Is it worth working longer days for a bit more profit if you’re tired all the time? It’s your call but it does have an effect on our relationship. I don’t have any right to tell you how to run your business, but i just want you to be happy. Because happy me = happy you and the same is true the other way around. We make each other happy. To be honest, i’m really embarrassed making this much of an issue out of sex. But it’s really not about just sex. Everybody wants to feel wanted and sexy to the person they love and I just want the same thing. I don’t want to feel like im with a friend when im with you because i have namita and them for that. I want to feel like im with my bf who wants me. And the reason you don’t have enough energy for sex is because you don’t find the effort worth it. We should figure out how to make sex more enjoyable and relaxing because right now it’s just taking your energy for no particular reason since you don’t even cum during sex.
· You don’t look at my body when having sex
· Sex not passionate/spontaneous
· Never try to take sex to another level...boring
· Get really defensive/embarrassed about sex

Weekend Fiasco

This past weekend was a terrible nightmare. Tommy and i were fighting the whole time. It all started on saturday when we were supposed to go clubbing but he was too tired. We had sex but it wasn't amazing. I don't get turned on anymore because im not as confident as i used to be in the beginning of our relationship. I still love him, even more now i think, but it just seems that i've grown tired of him because we argue all the time. It hurts more now if he rejects me or spurns me because now i've grown more attached to him. And because he's gotten to know me more fully, it's all the more of a rejection of myself. But what i have to understand is that i can't control him or manipulate him. If i do that, he's soon going to get tired of me.
Im struggling, really struggling, with insecurity. I just want to be confident in myself. Like yesterday he kept looking at laura, opening doors for her, and just being conscious of her in general, and i felt myself withdrawing into my jealous place. It's so bad there. My stomach tightens and it feels like i'm about to go on national tv...just a bundle of nerves. But when ant did the same thing, L reacted with absolute confidence. I mean, luce does it to her all the time but she handles it well. And tommy said yesterday that laura's more patient than i am. He's so tactless sometimes. But it doesnt mean that he doesn't love me.
I think i want him to love every aspect of me, and only me. I can't expect that from anybody, really. Not even my own parents. I'm not the center of the universe, and i have to accept that there are people better than me in regard to certain qualities. He can't find just me attractive. I've scared him off of many things that he now doesn't do. he doesnt play poker, doesn't watch porn, doesn't tease me about girls, and so forth. It's all fun and games sometimes, but other times he knows i get jealous and bitchy. I have to stop being so sensitive. I'm going to think twice before reacting at every single thing. I have to let some things go because it's really mean to have a hang up about everything. Jesus, please help me be a good girlfriend, daughter, friend, lover, and student. I want to pass my exams with flying colours. Please help me to be more hardworking and studious. I need your help lord, to do everything in my life.

my body

I feel like he doesn't like my body. He never tells me im beautiful anymore. He calls me cute all the time, but never sexy or beautiful. I ceased to feel anything much about him now. I miss him when i don't see him. But that urge to always be with him is gone. I have my friends and my life and I'm fine with that. Yet, i know i love him deeply...it's just masked by the lack of communication between us. I just want a break from all the fighting. I know that I can't live if he's not in my life. I hope I get back my feelings soon enough. Until then,
hope i survive.
The real reason is my poor body image. I think im too skinny. But i know my body isnt too bad. If only i had nicer, whiter skin. Not too white, but a nice tan colour. But what can i do? Poor body image wont stop even if i had teh loveliest body. Look at all those confident fat ppl and low self-esteem skinny girls. When i come back from canada i will be beautiful and sexy. Just you wait.

Confidence

You elude my grasp,
deftly - sly.
you teeter and sway
stringing me with you
this way
and that way

you love me tenderly
then slap me fiercely
you cry with me
you console me
you live with me
and i with you.

I want you
to be mine
yet you deny
you never knew me
and i never had you.

I lie to you
you tell me the truth
you show me the mirror
and stroke your raven hair
while i fumble with mine.

you fiddle and twiddle
all day long
you scream at my friends
until they cease to be
you deny me my right
yet you will be mine.

One day you will be
and i will be
your master.

For the need of a bit of resolution..

Lately I feel like he makes every decision in our relationship. Maybe I’m being paranoid, but I can’t help feeling like that. He decides when he comes over, when we go out, what we eat, what we watch, etc etc. It’s driving me up the wall for crying out loud. But it’s my own fault for not being more decisive. My new year’s resolution for 2008 is literally to be resolute..to make a decision and stick to it. I hate teetering on the edge so I think it’s a good idea to try and be more decisive. The thing with me is that I can make a decision but I’m always afraid that the other choice would’ve been better, and I don’t want to do anything that I would regret later. I just have to learn to live with decisions. I decided to come to England and I don’t regret that choice. When I was in Canada because I failed to stick to my decision to go to the states I regretted it so I know from experience that I should follow my instincts. Let's hope i'll succeed.