The Meaning of Life

Without realizing, I didn't answer my own question in my last post. I was asking myself what is the meaning of life, and I ended up answering the question "how should life be lived?" No matter. There is always time to answer more questions when you're in the middle of avoiding upcoming deadlines, so here goes: From what i understand so far, the meaning/purpose of life is to grow and evolve from what you're originally given into something that would advance the human race as a whole. So for example, if I started with low self-esteem and confidence and I evolved to become a social butterfly, then what I leave the world with is the knowledge that it is possible to develop yourself in that aspect even though you weren't naturally gifted. Other people watching me would realize that it is possible, and try it themselves, ideally using the same methods I have used. More people would then watch those people, and the number of people that end up improving in that aspect of their lives would increase exponentially. When the day of Jesus comes, these people, my future sons/daughters of that generation, would be "Evolved" partly because of me. And the fact that I contributed gives meaning to my life. So my live's purpose is solely to evolve! Fancy that, Darwin was right all along, but not in the way he expected I guess.

I just read on a website that the meaning of life was a conscious decision to make your reality whatever you want it to be. I think that's very true. If I'm determined to be happy, nothing could stand in my way. So here's a bottom's up to being happy! Everything I do I want to do it to glorify God, and I hope that what I accomplished this year sang his praises.

The Ideal Life

So I've been engaging in a lot of nostalgia in the past few weeks, and it inevitably led me to that fundamental question...what is the meaning of life? Everything in my life had changed from year to year, or within a span of few years. There were good times and there were even better times, and the worst of times seemed to last twice as long. Ultimately though, what is the purpose of all this? I study, I try to work hard, engage in activities instead of wasting away in my room, try to improve myself in confidence and grace....to what purpose?

Well, as I was trying to avoid finishing practical 1 of my medical biochemistry reports, I realized that the answer can be found in the life of Jesus. He was undoubtedly, the single most influential person that ever lived and died. His life, albeit being half of today's normal life span, embodied everything that was good and worthy. He was pure, he was dynamic, he was beautiful. And that's how I want my life to be. That is what I strive for. Whatever he did, and the principles hedisplayed in his life....that was how life was meant to be lived. God created the earth and man, he gave us a user's manual (the bible), and because we're so incredibly dense, he also sent us a living example to drive the point home. How can we not get it yet? Jesus lived the ultimate life, and he is supposed to be our ultimate example of how we should live ideally: by serving, by loving, by shining, by sharing, by humbling ourselves, and many many more.

The end of my Tantrums

I did something totally out of character today. I started to feel a little depressed and lonely and I just put on my coat and went out the door and to the library. Last year the same feeling would've resulted in endless wallowing until tommy came home to rescue me from my misery, at which point I would project my restlessness onto him and hound him to go out to eat or something. But today I quietly went to the library and actually got some work done. Tommy picked me up in the end, but I patiently waited till he came for me instead of throwing a fit.

Although things are very different this year and all my friends are gone, I feel that this is good for me. The loneliness I felt in the beginning is something that everyone will feel at some point. I need to accept that I'm no exception, and that feeling lonely doesn't make me a loser. I don't need to live it up to be someone else's ideal of having a good time. My ideal good time is now being with family, playing with my nephews, having a good meal and conversation with close friends. I still want to party from time to time, but I feel that partying every weekend never did anyone any good anyway. I'm just really proud that I'm learning to deal with emotional situations like this in a more mature way. I'm starting to be self-reliant for my own amusement, instead of on others. The past two years I've behaved terribly. I've been selfish and thrown many tantrums to get my way...i've isolated my friends and treated them badly, and I've even backstabbed a few friends. I'm lucky to still have those friends, and I vow to never take friendships lightly...they are very important to you.

Even though I don't that many friends near me at the moment, I will use whatever free time I have this year to improve myself and become a better person. I will read the bible, become a better Christian and live God's way. I will also be more outgoing in front of strangers, and be more productive. I won't moan and groan about my current predicament and wait eagerly for it to end...those days are gone! I am so lucky that God has chosen to bless me with everything I have: family, friends, a real chance at making something of myself, a course that I enjoy, and a future. Please God, help me to achieve my goals, and to never throw tantrums like I did last year.

Patience really IS a virtue

So it's Sunday today. My 3rd Sunday in England...and the 3rd Sunday I haven't gone to church. I'm hoping to go this evening but not sure if i'll make it out the door in the end. These 2 weeks have gone by relatively fast, but slow at the same time. It was such a mix of emotions that i felt since the day i landed that I just don't know what to do with myself now. First I was horribly lonely and homesick, then i started to warm upto tommy and felt that things will be okay, then i felt pretty good, and now i'm just bored and wishing that I had more friends in bham to go out and have fun with. I'm also having a hard time keeping my mouth shut when it comes to tommy. I can't stop criticizing him and his ways. The way he doesn't take showers regularly, the way he dresses in the same pair of unwashed jeans day after day, the way he doesnt turn over the dishes after washing them so they can dry...the list goes on. I know I shouldnt judge him...but he really gets on my nerves sometimes. I feel like i have to stay with him now just for the fact that i'll be bored out of my mind if he wasn't here. I seriously doubt it's going to last very much longer though.

Looking back on my previous few blogs I noticed that I'm always discontent in my current situation and looking forward to the future. Why is that? I wanted to go to England and do "productive things" so badly when I was in Virginia, stuck in the same routine. But now that I'm here, I miss the babies and the warm, comfy niche I had there. Is there any solution except to learn to like where I'm at? I guess not. The past 8 years since I came to Canada went by so fast, and with those years my confidence, personality, and attitude had improved tremendously. Looking back, the changes were slow but progressive. And I just need to trust God that he'll finish the good work he had started. I really pray that you would teach me to be patient and content in my situation and do everything to bring glory unto your name God.

"..being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Phillipians 1:6

Waiting

Its 12.54 am. There's 6 minutes left in my shift, need to wait 6 minutes until i can clock out, go downstairs and snuggle up in bed. Except tommy won't be in my bed, he won't hold me like he has done many nights. The comfort and reassurance i got from having him there is gone. Everything's changing now. It's not only that tommy isn't there to hold me now, it's the fact that i'm not even sure I want him to hold me given the opportunity. Yes, sure, it feels great to have someone to hold me. But looking back on my past blogs i can see that i was doubting this relationship from the start. And you know what else I was questioning? My crush on jeffrey. Sure, i thought i was in love with him at the time, and i most likely was. I loved him in whatever way i knew how, but it turned out to be a bust...a bogus "relationship". And the same is true of tommy...not the bogus part because i loved him as best i could, and in that process learned to love better than i could before. For that i'm eternally grateful to him. But is he the one? I really don't think so. God, speaking in my heart, told me that he wasn't. He promised me that I would find my right companion...and I'm just going to have to wait on him.

"They that wait upon the lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."

Teach me lord, teach me lord, to wait.

Summer 09

This summer has been chock full of "learning experiences," as my brother puts it. If you ask me, all of life is a learning experience. It started out when I decided to live with my to-be-colleagues at cambridge in a shared house. I paid 877 pounds and ended up getting back 370. The people I was supposed to live with, Fran and Sam, just completely ripped me off. And the stupid thing was that I didn't even get a reciept for the money i transferred directly into Fran's bank account. If I were to go to court I would've had no proof whatsoever. It just caused me so much stress for about 2-3 weeks while I was at virginia, trying to sort everything out and get back my money. In the end, i didn't even end up doing my placement. I went back to uk after staying at my bro's for 1 1/2 months, and stayed there a week. I was so lost and homesick when I went back, partly because of jetlag, that i didnt want to do the placement anymore. I just couldn't wait to get back to virginia.

I also didn't want to stay with PB anymore. Let me explain where the learning experiences lay. I was getting closer to God while I was here, and with each week my relationship with him became stronger. Now I am fully aware that he has a plan for me. Even though I didn't want to listen, and i still dont, when God told me that PB wasn't part of my plan anymore, I still feel that he's trying to tell me that. When I saw him at the airport I wasn't excited to see him like I should've been. I was just merely let down and disappointed. So I told him that I wanted to break up but he broke down in tears, and I felt the pit of my stomach caving into itself...really horrible uneasy feeligns that I couldn't even eat or sleep. It was just the few most awful days of this year...if not my whole life...to see him like that. I really don't want to hurt him so much but can i just stay with him not to hurt him? Anyhow, i caved and told him we'll decide a month after I got back. So less than a week later i hopped back on the plane and flew back here where I am now, and that's where things stand.

I still feel like I need to continue on my journey to seek a relationship with God while I'm here. But other than that, and taking care of babies, I feel like I'm wasting time. I should be doing something constructive like my friends who are doing studentships and placements..going out on the weekends and having fun. Instead I stay home most of the day, day after day, looking after babies. I know i'll miss it when I go back..but with more than 6 weeks to go, I feel like that day couldnt come soon enough. I want to go back to school, and make the most of my last year. And I know that with God's help, his teachings, and a positive attitute, I just might be able to make it. :)

Heartbroken

I hadn't realized until now just how sad I am about my relationship with my eldest brother. I am so deeply hurt by him that i feel like breaking down everytime i think about it. Like today my mom said how much he loved me when i was little and that made me so unbelievably sad because i remember him taking me places and spending time with me. Apparently they were all obsessed with me when i was little. I am no longer the princess, and don't even get special treatment anymore. That i can somehow handle..but being treated the way i was in england? that had just broken my heart. But I will forgive him and keep loving him as if he had done me no wrong. I will accept him and and his wife as my family and will not think evil thoughts about them.

The same is true for Fran and Sam, both who have ripped me off about cambridge. They wronged me and caused me so much stress, but If i ever were to meet them again I would have forgiven them. Not forgotten, but forgiven. Because I would be a fool to ever again forget what they can do and what they're capable of...but it doesn't mean that I have to keep resentment in my heart because that would only poison myself.

Likewise, whoever I meet from now on that would cause me any pain or suffering, I won't avenge myself. I don't need to worry so much about justice and getting my fair share, because God will take care of that for me. I just need to obey his laws and be love everyone. Please God, help me to love my neighbor as myself, and to heal my broken heart.

"Never avenge yourself, but leave it to the wrath of God." Romans 12:19

I've realized that tommy really loves me. Whether it's just the lengths he goes to to not make me mad, or how he puts up with me when I'm moody by excusing my behaviour, and how he really does want to make me happy but it clueless about how to do it. He rarely ever eats over here now because he thinks that I dont want to cook for him and spend a lot of money on food. I feel really bad about it..and as soon as exams are over i'll cook a nice meal for him and treat him nice. 

The thing is, he shouldn't put up with all this from me. I'm being controlling and obsessive and get mad at him even when he hasn't done something bad enough to deserve such a reaction. Like the time he went outside for a bbq and i was so mad he wouldn't come and stay with me. Why should he have to always do what i want? If he wants to hang out outside he should be able to without me being mean about it. And the thing is he can't even say anything cuz he's staying with me now so he sort of follows the rules and goes along with it. But i really shouldnt get used to this. If i love him i should respect him and his free will and let him do what he wants. 

The only things that are unacceptable are cheating and lying to me. 

Mad

I'm really sad today. I haven't seen tommy all day and was looking forward so much to seeing him. He obviously doesn't miss me or want to see me cuz he doesnt even phone me during the day. I know he loves me, but can't he spend some time with his gf? He didn't even buy me a birthday present but he has the money to go clubbing every weekend. Everytime he needs help or he's in trouble i really want to help him, but i can see that he won't do the same for me. I'm really bored and look forward to him coming home but he can't even do that for me.

He wants to go out with A but i want him to stay home. I don't care about what's acceptable or not in this country. This is how i feel and i have every right to feel like this.

Resentments

Recently I've been really horrible to PB and was really angry at him. The thing is, I'm really resentful about things that even I'm not sure of. Why is it that I get angry at him so often now? I can estimate a guess at a few possible reasons. One is that he didn't get me a gift for my birthday, or made it special in any way. After valentines day arguments I was looking forward to receiving some special attention, or romance on my birthday but all I got was a dinner that I planned myself..just like valentines. Another reason why I'm angry could be that he tries to flirt with my friends and check out every girl he sees. I feel like I'm not the type to be attractive to him because I don't look like normal girls. I'm thin and even though I know im attractive, I feel sometimes that he finds another type more attractive. Also, he borrowed a lot of money from me, and i let him use my credit card and everything as often as he liked. But he would still buy his friends a drink rather than me. I know I'm being unfair in expecting him to spend every spare penny on me, but I think he should take care of his gf who's been at his side through all of it rather than randoms who would never do anything like that. Lastly (this is a long list of resentments!!...no wonder im angry), new year's eve when he left me to fend for myself in my drunken state. I will never forgive him for that. 

But on the plus side, he actually listens to me most of the time. He loves me and wants to take care of me. Even though he gets obnoxious and weird when drunk he tries his best when sober. He fixed the whole sex issue now, and he tries to be nice to me. And I know he doesn't have that many friends here so I shouldn't be such a bitch when he wants to spend some money to drink with A or go out with his friends. I've done worse things in this relationship than that. 3 times. the last being the worst. I've been bad too. And even though he checks out girls i know he loves me only. I guess I just have to accept that guys are like that and let it go. He cant just look at me all the time...so let him look at the menu but eat only 1 dish :)

Complications

My life is so complicated right now. Well, no. My emotions are complicated. If i let them rule me, they are bound to take over and consume me because they're so conflicted and convoluted. I wish things in life were simple and straightforward again. I remember when I used to come back home from school and my mom was waiting to feed me, a maid was waiting to play with me, i would shower and play and just carry on until night. Waking up the next day and repeating the same thing wasn't so difficult or tedious. Maybe that's why i love the song "Buy you a drank" by T Pain. It's so simple and how it basically should be. He sees a girl she likes, buys her a drink, takes her home with him and has sex until the sun comes up. He's satisfying himself and her and it doesn't involve any complicated explanations about how 'he's too tired form work to please her, or how he doesnt have enough money to buy her a drink, or how he can't make any noise at his house cuz his parents are sleeping in the next room. It's just simple, and very unrealistic...i know. But sometimes i NEED unrealistic and simple.

I think the only way to make things simple is to consult god before every decision i make. He takes care of me and he won't let me take a wrong step. So that's what im gonna do. Hopefully it'll all be good now.

letter to him

Hey,

I love you and I want to be with you, but there are a few things that constantly bug me. I just wanted to say it in email so I can get everything out without you interrupting me, and so i can say everything clearly to you. There are 2 things that really bother me, and i think most of our arguments are because of this. One thing is that you don't keep your word. You say you'll change the time on the alarm to 6.15 and the next morning i find out you didn't, or you'll tell me you'll come over and you won't, or you say you have something planned for valentines day but you don't and you don't bother to make different plans, or you'll say you will stay all day on sunday but you wont..etc. You know there has been many, many times when you didn't do what you said you will. Why is that? I feel really unimportant when you say something and don't go to the trouble of keeping your word. Like you'll say you will come over tomorrow but suddenly you'll feel like staying home and then there's a million reasons why you absolutely CANNOT come over (petrol, lots of work to do, tired, sleepy, feeling sick, have to wake up early tomorrow). If you say you will come over a couple hours before, what can possibly change that makes it impossible for you to keep your word? I understand if it's something really big like you were in a car accident or something (touch wood), but other than that, if you say you'll do something then can you please do it?

The 2nd thing is sex. It's just so much hassle, too much trouble, and just a heartache for me. It's painfully obvious to me that you don't really like sex that much...i don't knw if it's just with me or in general. Maybe you're tired and stressed, okay, but we haven't had sex in like weeks and i dont think that's normal in ppl our age? I don't really know and i've accepted that it won't change. I guess it's just not meant to be a big part of our relationship. But it bugs me cuz i know im not ugly and i dont really understand what the heck is going on. And when we do have sex I enjoy it and it's really good so there's no reason why you wouldn't wanna repeat that right? I've realized that I'm not happy like this...i want to feel wanted by the person i love. You need to figure out if you can make me happy or not. If you can't then tell me now cuz i want to know. Well, just reply to me by email cuz if we talk on the phone nothing will get sorted out. Hope you're having a nice day.

Mistakes

Everything is so messed up. I did something really wrong yesterday and i can't get it out of my head. I let somoene invade the privacy of my relationship, i disrespected the person i love and just plain made a fool out of myself.
It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. There was only one place it could lead yet i didn't stop to think what the consequences of that would be. I didn't think i could feel so horrible about something i did. But basically it was the biggest mistake of my life. I swear on my life that i won't do this again...or anything like it...ever!! This has to be the last time. The funny thing is, i think i learned something from this. PB's actually pretty good and it must be something with me that's wrong. I don't put enough effort or something cuz it's not him. In any event, i love him and I SWEAR on my LIFE that i won't do this again.