Complications

My life is so complicated right now. Well, no. My emotions are complicated. If i let them rule me, they are bound to take over and consume me because they're so conflicted and convoluted. I wish things in life were simple and straightforward again. I remember when I used to come back home from school and my mom was waiting to feed me, a maid was waiting to play with me, i would shower and play and just carry on until night. Waking up the next day and repeating the same thing wasn't so difficult or tedious. Maybe that's why i love the song "Buy you a drank" by T Pain. It's so simple and how it basically should be. He sees a girl she likes, buys her a drink, takes her home with him and has sex until the sun comes up. He's satisfying himself and her and it doesn't involve any complicated explanations about how 'he's too tired form work to please her, or how he doesnt have enough money to buy her a drink, or how he can't make any noise at his house cuz his parents are sleeping in the next room. It's just simple, and very unrealistic...i know. But sometimes i NEED unrealistic and simple.

I think the only way to make things simple is to consult god before every decision i make. He takes care of me and he won't let me take a wrong step. So that's what im gonna do. Hopefully it'll all be good now.

letter to him

Hey,

I love you and I want to be with you, but there are a few things that constantly bug me. I just wanted to say it in email so I can get everything out without you interrupting me, and so i can say everything clearly to you. There are 2 things that really bother me, and i think most of our arguments are because of this. One thing is that you don't keep your word. You say you'll change the time on the alarm to 6.15 and the next morning i find out you didn't, or you'll tell me you'll come over and you won't, or you say you have something planned for valentines day but you don't and you don't bother to make different plans, or you'll say you will stay all day on sunday but you wont..etc. You know there has been many, many times when you didn't do what you said you will. Why is that? I feel really unimportant when you say something and don't go to the trouble of keeping your word. Like you'll say you will come over tomorrow but suddenly you'll feel like staying home and then there's a million reasons why you absolutely CANNOT come over (petrol, lots of work to do, tired, sleepy, feeling sick, have to wake up early tomorrow). If you say you will come over a couple hours before, what can possibly change that makes it impossible for you to keep your word? I understand if it's something really big like you were in a car accident or something (touch wood), but other than that, if you say you'll do something then can you please do it?

The 2nd thing is sex. It's just so much hassle, too much trouble, and just a heartache for me. It's painfully obvious to me that you don't really like sex that much...i don't knw if it's just with me or in general. Maybe you're tired and stressed, okay, but we haven't had sex in like weeks and i dont think that's normal in ppl our age? I don't really know and i've accepted that it won't change. I guess it's just not meant to be a big part of our relationship. But it bugs me cuz i know im not ugly and i dont really understand what the heck is going on. And when we do have sex I enjoy it and it's really good so there's no reason why you wouldn't wanna repeat that right? I've realized that I'm not happy like this...i want to feel wanted by the person i love. You need to figure out if you can make me happy or not. If you can't then tell me now cuz i want to know. Well, just reply to me by email cuz if we talk on the phone nothing will get sorted out. Hope you're having a nice day.