Waiting

Its 12.54 am. There's 6 minutes left in my shift, need to wait 6 minutes until i can clock out, go downstairs and snuggle up in bed. Except tommy won't be in my bed, he won't hold me like he has done many nights. The comfort and reassurance i got from having him there is gone. Everything's changing now. It's not only that tommy isn't there to hold me now, it's the fact that i'm not even sure I want him to hold me given the opportunity. Yes, sure, it feels great to have someone to hold me. But looking back on my past blogs i can see that i was doubting this relationship from the start. And you know what else I was questioning? My crush on jeffrey. Sure, i thought i was in love with him at the time, and i most likely was. I loved him in whatever way i knew how, but it turned out to be a bust...a bogus "relationship". And the same is true of tommy...not the bogus part because i loved him as best i could, and in that process learned to love better than i could before. For that i'm eternally grateful to him. But is he the one? I really don't think so. God, speaking in my heart, told me that he wasn't. He promised me that I would find my right companion...and I'm just going to have to wait on him.

"They that wait upon the lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."

Teach me lord, teach me lord, to wait.

Summer 09

This summer has been chock full of "learning experiences," as my brother puts it. If you ask me, all of life is a learning experience. It started out when I decided to live with my to-be-colleagues at cambridge in a shared house. I paid 877 pounds and ended up getting back 370. The people I was supposed to live with, Fran and Sam, just completely ripped me off. And the stupid thing was that I didn't even get a reciept for the money i transferred directly into Fran's bank account. If I were to go to court I would've had no proof whatsoever. It just caused me so much stress for about 2-3 weeks while I was at virginia, trying to sort everything out and get back my money. In the end, i didn't even end up doing my placement. I went back to uk after staying at my bro's for 1 1/2 months, and stayed there a week. I was so lost and homesick when I went back, partly because of jetlag, that i didnt want to do the placement anymore. I just couldn't wait to get back to virginia.

I also didn't want to stay with PB anymore. Let me explain where the learning experiences lay. I was getting closer to God while I was here, and with each week my relationship with him became stronger. Now I am fully aware that he has a plan for me. Even though I didn't want to listen, and i still dont, when God told me that PB wasn't part of my plan anymore, I still feel that he's trying to tell me that. When I saw him at the airport I wasn't excited to see him like I should've been. I was just merely let down and disappointed. So I told him that I wanted to break up but he broke down in tears, and I felt the pit of my stomach caving into itself...really horrible uneasy feeligns that I couldn't even eat or sleep. It was just the few most awful days of this year...if not my whole life...to see him like that. I really don't want to hurt him so much but can i just stay with him not to hurt him? Anyhow, i caved and told him we'll decide a month after I got back. So less than a week later i hopped back on the plane and flew back here where I am now, and that's where things stand.

I still feel like I need to continue on my journey to seek a relationship with God while I'm here. But other than that, and taking care of babies, I feel like I'm wasting time. I should be doing something constructive like my friends who are doing studentships and placements..going out on the weekends and having fun. Instead I stay home most of the day, day after day, looking after babies. I know i'll miss it when I go back..but with more than 6 weeks to go, I feel like that day couldnt come soon enough. I want to go back to school, and make the most of my last year. And I know that with God's help, his teachings, and a positive attitute, I just might be able to make it. :)

Heartbroken

I hadn't realized until now just how sad I am about my relationship with my eldest brother. I am so deeply hurt by him that i feel like breaking down everytime i think about it. Like today my mom said how much he loved me when i was little and that made me so unbelievably sad because i remember him taking me places and spending time with me. Apparently they were all obsessed with me when i was little. I am no longer the princess, and don't even get special treatment anymore. That i can somehow handle..but being treated the way i was in england? that had just broken my heart. But I will forgive him and keep loving him as if he had done me no wrong. I will accept him and and his wife as my family and will not think evil thoughts about them.

The same is true for Fran and Sam, both who have ripped me off about cambridge. They wronged me and caused me so much stress, but If i ever were to meet them again I would have forgiven them. Not forgotten, but forgiven. Because I would be a fool to ever again forget what they can do and what they're capable of...but it doesn't mean that I have to keep resentment in my heart because that would only poison myself.

Likewise, whoever I meet from now on that would cause me any pain or suffering, I won't avenge myself. I don't need to worry so much about justice and getting my fair share, because God will take care of that for me. I just need to obey his laws and be love everyone. Please God, help me to love my neighbor as myself, and to heal my broken heart.

"Never avenge yourself, but leave it to the wrath of God." Romans 12:19