No Serious Dating in 2010

I'm back dear void, stronger and lonelier than ever. It not only seems that I'm confused and depressed most of the time for anyone that may stumble across this blog, but I feel like that's been my reality for the past few years. Loneliness has always simmered below the surface of my existence..and it has always threatened to overflow. And no matter what my circumstances/relationships had been, I had always been lonely because I haven't learned to be secure by myself.

I broke up with tommy about 2 weeks ago. I told him I don't want to be with him and was feeling fine, even great, for a while. But about 2-3 days ago the loneliness once again hit me. I cried, I messaged him, I suffered and moaned and groaned and complained. Well, it feels like he has moved on and I haven't and I guess that's what is bothering me. Anyway, I'm going to continue to depend on Christ in my journey, and really just trust him for strength to fight through this loneliness once and for all. I think the best way to tackle this is in steps. Rather than dating straight away to get rid of this loneliness, which is desperately what I want to do right now, I will work to make myself feel content all by myself rather than counting on someone else to make me feel that way. I don't know what the 12 step program for overcoming loneliness is, but I'm gonna start a step anyway and name it the first:

1. Befriending guys

I realize that I have no male friends that I am close to, and that I really need to make more of an effort to befriend guys. I always approach guys with the subconscious thought that either they are a potential romantic partner, or that they like me and I don't want to become romantically involved with them. Instead of approaching from this angle, I really want to just be friends with guys and learn about how they think. I don't want to be intimidated by guys or anyone. I know my worth in God's eyes, and I know the Creator of all things loves me and deems me valuable so why should I be afraid of others opinions? Now if only I can truly put that to practice. Today my prayer is that God help me to open my heart and my soul to others so that they can truly see God's love in me. I want to make a guy friend each month until the end of this year, and stay friends with them. This month that friend can be Chris. I will invite him again to church and continue to shine for Jesus. My prayer is that you help me achieve this Jesus.

Wish me luck my faithful void!

The Next Step?

Just started revision in earnest, putting up motivational quotes and really gearing myself up for the long haul. I know that the end of this will bring good results if I keep at it and work really hard. God has helped me so much these past few weeks, and indeed, my whole life. I've been getting to know him more through bible study and fellowship. I now understand why it's important to separate myself from this world as much as possible and try to be with people that love God the way I do. I just feel more understood and safe in their presence than I do with my friends. I didn't know for sure if I could depend on my friends during hard times..and I can see now that I can't. Haven't seen most of them for ages, and the last time I saw fetus she was moaning about getting home to her bed. It's not the same as before, and I'm sure I'm expecting too much from friends. Friends, family, people in general, you can't trust them!!! The people you can trust the most are family, but even they relapse sometimes. In the end, if you desperately need and wait on them for love, sympathy, support you might not get it...which always end in bitter disappointment. God always gives you those things without exception and without conditions. So the best option is to rely on God for those things, and appreciate it when you get it from people. Love in humans is a reflection of God's love, so why not depend on the original source for the most impact? I love Him, and I know He loves me beyond my imagination. Truly, no one can ever love me like he could. So i'm not sad, i'm not unhappy in these lonely times. I wish I had my friends to share a few laughs and good times and it would certainly be nice. But I know God has my best interest at heart, and if he thinks this is what the situation should be, then I know that it's the best way. If I had them around I would've certainly gotten distracted and deviated from my walk with Christ.

Yesterday as I was walking back from uni it dawned on me how much he really has done, and how he's truly answered all my prayers. 3 years ago i prayed for a boyfriend and someone to love, and I found tommy. His love wasn't perfect, but my time with him taught me so much without truly damaging me. I asked for some companionship and I found the bible study. I asked for my project to succeed and I got the results I wanted. It's so nice to know that my Father loves me and he's taking care of me. How can I be depressed while knowing that fact? He wants me to leave UK and go to the states. I know that my life here is a distraction from God. I would party and fall back to my old ways if I stay here any longer. So I need to go and find myself a job in the States. So here's to the next adventure!!

Tis loneliness that makes the loudest noise

Feeling really low today. Been feeling this way for the past 2 days. I've been feeling that I shouldn't slow down or it'll all collapse, but I did anyway. I slowed down and now I'm feeling everything i've tried to suppress. I'm really sad and lonely...truly lonely. I have God but I don't have any friends that I can truly depend on. I miss those times we had the past 2 years..all the fun and laughter. I flat this year is like a grave, with stern faces and stand-offish attitudes and absent personalities.

Everything's going badly. I drank, i misbehaved, i repeated the whole palaver. Feel tremendously depressed and guilty right now, and yes, lonely as well. I guess I'm lonely now because sin separates me from God, and I don't have his companionship anymore. I was fine last week when the circumstances were the same. Sin and disobedience is not worth the price if this is how i feel the next day.

My head is so convoluted right now, a million thoughts going through it that I struggle to put a coherent sentence together. I'm realizing a few things now, that I have to get up and keep going when I fall, and that I will definitely fall again, the only way to avoid falling so much is to completely rely on God and listen to what he says. I feel like too much of a failure to even put a decent finish to this blog so I'm going to go get ready for work. Wish me luck, dear void.

Outlook and Progress

So I thought I'd catch up on the past few months on my blog since a few important things have happened since I last updated. I went to vancouver for the christmas holidays and, suprisingly/unexpectedly, had a fabulous time. I'm slowly starting to realize that it's possible to be happy anywhere, and that it's the happiness you carry within yourself that ultimately determines whether or not you're content in a certain situation. Also realized that it's God that gives you that inner joy to overcome your circumstances.

I've also misbehaved quite badly, and I'm ashamed to say that it could've easily been prevented. A few days ago we went out with some guys and I dressed in an immodest way and embarrassed myself thoroughly by getting drunk and acting silly. Since then I've made a serious resolution to stop drinking altogether. It's no use attempting to limit alcohol intake because drinking a little only makes you tired, and so drink more to get to the state of numbness where I can party all night. I also want to dress nicely, but modestly. In the future I won't wear anything too revealing or short.

What else? Oh yeah, my final year project. I'm working with this postgrad student who's trying to synthesize a gene to encode pseudin. To be honest i'm a little confused as to what the aim of the whole thing is really. All I know is that I loved being in the research lab and doing things...it was so different from the teaching labs. Nothing was pre-testing so we're doing original research, which explains why the cells are not growing and everything's messing up, but I can really see myself doing this everyday. Discovering new things, having the freedom to work your own hours, and doing something that has potential important uses would be just amazing. And the thing is, even though I have the freedom to stay and go as I please, I end up staying the whole day in the lab without realizing it. It's great! Only thing I wish is that Sam would stop treating me like a baby and let me do my thing. I hate being watched in every single thing I do and being given minimal responsibility, it's so patronizing. Ah well, there will soon come a day where I can do my own thing and then i'll complain that I have too much responsibility.

All in all, the past 2 months have gone by really quickly. I miss my parents, and I miss my friends still, but not with the aching emptiness I did before. I will be okay, and I'm very motivated to finish my degree with flying colours. Relationship with God is progressing okay, but I yearn to know him better and to study the bible more. I'm still reading a chapter-a-day but I doubt I'm doing more than scratching at the surface. I look forward to the day that I'll be able to attend a proper bible study and get involved in church. For now, I don't think I even deserve God's mercy. I haven't been a good example of a christian, and I have succumbed to temptation too easily. One thing I want to do is control that habit of mine..giving in easily. I pray for self-control this month and also for my project to actually work!! Let's see how the next month goes :)